When it doesn't feel right...

I miss the times when I don't have to exert effort in friendship.
It's just is. I don't feel uncomfy or intimidated. It's just how it is, we are friends.
No need to explain myself, or prove myself to them.
No need to always start the conversation, or think hard about the next topic or next thing I'm going to say.
No awkward silences. If there are some, they just resort to laughter afterwards.
No need to try and fit in because I don't have to. We're just part of each other.
We can endure long talks on the phone, text messages all night long.
They got my back, I got theirs.I'm always part of the gimmicks and hangouts. I rarely missed out on those things.
Everything's genuine, what I see is what I get.
Those were the times when I just feel happy upon seeing them, and actually enjoy their company.
No one's left out, we were all in this together.
It was never just a "hi, hello" relationship, but it was an actual friendship.
I miss the times when I was actually friendly enough to befriend the entire class.
I miss how I'm so outgoing, and so jolly, and so funny, and so down-to-earth.
I miss how I'm always one of those people whom everybody actually knows of because of what I do and who I am.
I miss being a chum, a confidant, someone who would always listen and cheer people up.
I miss having tons of friends whom I can share my laughs with and spend movie days with.
From joyrides to mall hopping, the memories are just priceless.
I miss having chums whom I can tell everything to, who will listen and not grow tired of it.
Who actually know when I'm not in a good mood or when I'm not feeling well, or maybe if I'm broken-hearted. Who would message me early in the morning just to ask if I'm okay.
Friends who not only care about their close friends but everyone else. It's hard to fit in when you know you don't.
It's hard to take that first step. And get stuck at that first step.
Sometimes I wonder if it's just me.
But then again... I wouldn't really feel this way if there's nothing that makes me feel the way that I do.
It's hard to peek through little worlds, and try to find one that speaks most.It's harder to find one that is open.And every single night I ask God why I sense and see the things that I see.
Is it because I don't want to let go and start anew?
Or is it because they just don't want to let me in.

It's not that I lost the luster that I have in building friendships, I think I know I still have that.I know there's something wrong...

But I just want to find my old self again. The true me. The real me. Not the old ways, but the good in me.

It's hard to have just one or two persons to talk to all the time beyond the "hi's and hello's" of everyone else. I know how important it is to have friends, godly friends especially.

If it's just like that, maybe I could find the intimacy that I'm looking for somewhere else. I know God will lead me to them. I just know. Then I will truly be at home.